I Don't Know What I'm Doing
My main goal right now, in terms of my career, is to jump ship on the industry I've been in for the last decade and find work that is meaningful to me as a writer. The hard part, so far, has been finding a viable way to do that. I still have bills to pay, food to buy, people and pets to care for.
I dabbled on Substack recently, before finding out that they openly platform self-described nazis. It was a relatively easy decision to drop the project. The prospect of profiting off of a platform where actual hate groups flourished made me queasy. In around 8 months I gained a whopping 13 subscribers, all free. They only opened my emails about 40% of the time. I was putting countless hours into research and writing for almost no one.
That's fine if I'm writing for myself. Here, I don't need an audience. It's okay—it's really the point—for me to scream into the void here. But my intention on Substack was to inform the public; to spread awareness about the dangerous time we're living in; to make people care, and empower those who already did care with information and understanding.
So I pivoted. I made a newsletter on Beehiiv, a Substack competitor, which lasted all of a couple weeks. It felt like a bunch of nothing. Instead of working on that, I've been looking for writing jobs with organizations with similar values to mine. They're few and far between, and I'm competing with people who have degrees for this specific field. A friend asked today if it's the right direction.
"Do you think competing with college grads for a writing job in a dwindling market is the way to go? Is a writing job for a company or organization the only way to get into writing for money?"
The question hit me kind of hard. I don't know the answer. It's a good point; one I had realized on my own but it hadn't really sunk in. I wouldn't let it sink in. I'm scared of the answer. Writing for someone else would provide a sense of security in knowing I'm not alone; I wouldn't be responsible for all of the things, just the things I know I can do. But is that realistic? Is writing independently any more realistic? Beats me.
Was it a rash decision to jump off the Substack bandwagon? The newsletter I work on with GovTrack is hosted on Substack; I justify it because that's not my decision. It's out of my control, and GovTrack is my only means of reaching an audience of any kind right now. It's also my only means of building a reputable portfolio of work for my job search, and it's the type of meaningful work I want to do more of.
Or do I need to get back to Beehiiv and get to grinding towards a marketable newsletter? Is a newsletter even the right medium to prop up? I'm not sure what the right move is. I don't know what to do—I just know that I can't keep doing what I've done for the last 10 years.
Maybe I'll pivot again in the coming weeks. I think if I don't get into the fellowship class I applied for most recently, that will be a good time to reassess. But I don't know. Not knowing makes my head swim; my stomach climbs up to my throat and I feel disconnected from my body.
Hello Anxiety, old friend. I should have expected you. Try not to get in the way as I craft a new life for myself, if you don't mind.